Getting along has gotten tougher

New Hampshire Union Leader - 8/22/2021

Aug. 22—Admit it: A lot of us have forgotten how to behave around other people.

After 15 months of isolation and remote everything, Granite Staters have been returning to work, social events and travel.

It doesn't always go so well.

Police are reporting more road rage, distracted driving and speeding.

Customers are being surly to harried wait staff and hotel workers.

Two major airlines even stopped selling alcohol on their planes after too many incidents of unruly passengers — one man had to be duct-taped to his seat after he punched a male flight attendant.

This was supposed to be the summer everyone could go back to their favorite activities. But while some people are enthusiastic about returning to concerts, sporting events and indoor dining, others are reluctant to do so.

That is contributing to a collective bad mood.

Danielle Capelle, a licensed clinical mental health counselor at New Hampshire Catholic Charities, said she gets the same thing from clients, friends, colleagues and relatives.

"From everywhere, I'm hearing about the difficulty people have just being around others," she said.

Our social patterns have changed, and a lot of people are experiencing social anxiety, some for the first time, others to a heightened degree, Capelle said. Many people now feel more self-conscious in social settings.

"Conversation used to be easy. You used to pick a subject and start talking about it," she said. "Now it's exhausting to have a conversation. You're overthinking it: Is this a conversation you can have? Can we be standing this close?"

Staying six feet away from people, wearing masks, even navigating the directional arrows in the grocery store aisles changed how we live our lives, she said.

"It's exhausting, all the things we think about now that we didn't think about a year and a half ago," she said.

'People are really struggling'

Seeing the number of COVID-19 cases on the rise again only adds to the stress people are feeling, said Tina Sharby, director of the New Hampshire Human Resources Council.

"The light was at the end of the tunnel, you could see it," she said. "But the last two variants just quashed it.

"People are really struggling," she said.

And they're bringing a lot of stress into the workplace.

Some companies are expecting their employees to come back to the office regardless of how well things have been working remotely, Sharby said.

"There is a mentality that you need to be located in the same physical space in order to be successful," she said.

But Sharby, who is chief human resources officer at Easterseals New Hampshire, said, "I feel like the majority of staff who are working remotely are giving it more than they did when they were in the office."

Expecting people to suddenly go from working remotely to being back in the office full-time, especially for employees struggling with child care and remote learning, "is really a hard ask," Sharby said.

"You've changed your life," she said.

So there has to be a good business reason for companies to expect everyone back in person right away, she said. "I think 'just because' is not a valid answer," she said.

She advises employers to be flexible when they can. "A happy employee is a great thing," she said.

'These are extraordinary times'

Paul Baard, Ph.D., a Campton occupational psychologist who writes the Motivation Matters business column in the New Hampshire Sunday News, said the pandemic took a toll on workplaces.

"Human behavior is often driven by our own wants and needs, and so it behooves us to do the right thing, to get along with people," Baard said. "And then all of a sudden it's every man or woman for him- or herself."

"There's a lack of in-person dynamics," he said. "That's a huge gap that has crept into things. We've got to put people back together again."

Companies need to recognize how much has changed, Baard said.

"These are extraordinary times, very difficult and very challenging," he said. "It's different now and the only way you're going to succeed is to do it differently."

Three basic psychological needs must be satisfied for employees to be self-motivated, Baard said. They are autonomy — making your own decisions; competence — taking on challenging work; and relatedness — feeling connected, part of a team.

The latter is the most important right now, he said. "In this circumstance that we're going through right now, people need to feel connected, that we are a part of a true team."

Throughout the pandemic, there was a lot of wistful talk about "returning to normal."

The reality is dawning on a lot of people that that has not happened.

"That pre-pandemic normal will never happen again," counselor Capelle said.

"Our social limits have shifted. You may no longer be comfortable being around people, and the easiest way to show that is irritation," she said.

She suggests getting back into activities "little by little."

"Start out with situations that you think are safer or more comfortable," she said.

"Nobody has the same social energy that they used to have because everything's changed, so you need to set boundaries with yourself, not taking on too many things."

In the office, figure out what triggers anxiety or irritation, and have a plan for how you're going to deal with it, Capelle advised. It's helpful to come up with coping skills, such as going for a walk, listening to music on earbuds to muffle noise or even "taking five minutes to doodle," she said.

'We're all living this'

Humor can help ease some of the aggravation and anxiety that a lot of people are feeling, experts say.

We turned to Newmarket comedian Juston McKinney, who continued to do virtual shows throughout the pandemic and is back to live shows.

McKinney finds humor where he can in the common experience of the pandemic.

"People want to know that everyone is going through the same thing," he said. "We're all living this."

So he shares his observation that the economy has never been like this, even during the Great Depression. All the photos from the Depression show men in soup lines, he notes. "At least they could be in lines," he tells the audience.

McKinney jokes about how the pandemic has encouraged bad manners. Instead of holding the elevator for someone else, he said, "During COVID, I'm hitting 'door close, door close.'

"I just shrug my shoulders, 'Sorry, buddy, COVID.'"

McKinney, who has four shows at the Bank of New Hampshire Stage in Concord next weekend and is taping a new comedy special on Oct. 2 at the Palace Theater in Manchester, did a show in Maine recently.

"Mid-joke, all of a sudden this guy lets out this giant sneeze," he said. "I just literally stopped, and pointed at him: 'Vaccinated?'"

Yes, the man said.

It took a beat for McKinney to get back into his routine.

"Lost my train of thought," he told the crowd. "A contagious disease will do that to you."

There are definitely some things he can't joke about anymore, McKinney said.

"I stay away from anything that could trigger someone who might have lost a loved one," he said.

He used to have a routine about funerals. "I stopped doing that because people are dying," he said.

'Be kind to others'

Human resources director Sharby said what saddens her these days is the lack of empathy she hears about those who are not vaccinated.

"For some people it isn't a no-brainer," she said. "They either are afraid or have a medical condition or religious belief. But there's a little less empathy there right now."

Her advice to everyone trying to adjust to the new normal: "If you have a choice, be kind.

"Be kind to yourself, be kind to others," she said.

That's important, Capelle said.

"It's having more patience and compassion not only with others, because they're trying to navigate a new normal too, but having that patience and compassion with yourself," she said. "We're all going through this. It's a collective thing that society is going through."

Comedian McKinney said he has seen how irritable a lot of people are nowadays.

"It's nerves and impatience and frustration that everyone's feeling, with everything we're dealing with," he said.

Because many people aren't ready to go back to hugging or shaking hands, "People could come off as colder," he said.

But audiences are excited to be back at live shows, he said. "I find people are ready to laugh and people want to laugh," he said.

"And, let's be honest, it's good for you to laugh."

swickham@unionleader.com

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